A couple weeks ago I posted the Creation story I’m working on, which you can read here: http://bethwangler.com/2012/01/14/creation/. This is the next part of the beginning-of-the-world story. A piece of trivia: it and Creation are written in the voice of Raiballeon, a character from a later time who recorded the early history of Orrock.
They lived in the land in which Aia made them. It was a beautiful land, like a garden though at first untamed, and they called it Elcedon. There the trees grew tall and strong, producing good fruit to eat; there the rivers flowed clear as crystal, full of fresh, healthy water to drink; there the animals were wise and spoke in the tongues of man, but the wisest of them were the sheep. And they ruled over the animals justly, taking care of and nurturing all Aia had made on Orrock.
During all this time, Aevenah and his followers dwelt in the center of Orrock. Now he heard the song of Aia, and when it stopped, he was overcome by curiosity. So Aevenah ventured to the surface of the planet, and there he saw the new creations, and there he laid eyes for the first time upon the First Humans. Seeing them, he knew they were very precious to Aia and beheld their beauty of body and spirit. Then Aevenah was overcome, and in malice, envy, lust, and hatred, he wept, and his tears formed a pond at the edge of the garden Elcedon. The pond was called the Pond of Separation, because Aevenah was separate from Aia and so was the cause of his weeping.
Now Aia went daily down and walked among the humans, and He warned them not to drink from the Pond of Separation.
Long did they dwell in Elcedon. There were born the Firstborn, the first children, and the First Humans and the Thaliel and Aia delighted in them. Of the forty-two First Humans were born two hundred Firstborn. They lived together in peace and joy.
Sceorn and Eesorn, the First of the First Humans, had, among other children, three sons: Neemech, Sain, and Nhardah. Neemech was the original Firstborn, and he was in Elcedon a strong leader of the people. Sain his brother was often with him, though Neemech preferred to be among the animals and Sain preferred the trees and other plants. Nhardah their brother was the youngest of them, and he had a spirit of movement, always exploring to all the limits of Elcedon.
So they lived, for long years that passed easily, and they measured time in the passing of seasons rather than the passing of days and weeks. Spring was a time of excitement and renewal; summer a time of activity and adventure; autumn a time of color and slowing down; winter a time of rest and reflection.
Then one day when Nhardah was off in the north, exploring the never-ending mountains which at their highest points became the bridges between Orrock and ierah, and which shelter in their heights the Lake of Living Water that gives to its drinker eternal life, the First Humans and the Firstborn were at the opposite extremity of Elcedon, near where it met the Sea. They rarely went so far, but it came to pass that they were warm and thirsty, as it was summer, and so sought for water in which to bathe and drink. With their flawless memories they recalled Aia’s warning to avoid the Pond of Separation, but as they were walking past it, a sheep stopped to talk to them.
“Where are you going?” the sheep asked.
“We are warm and thirsty, so we seek water,” they replied.
“Why do you seek? There is water right here for your pleasure,” the sheep trotted over to the Pond’s edge.
“We must not touch that water,” Sceorn and Eesorn replied, “for it is the Pond of Separation and brings death.”
“Truly it is the Pond of Separation: separation from ignorance and foolishness; and truly when you touch it, your ignorance and naivety will die and you will become as wise as Aia, knowing what is Him and also knowing what is not Him,” said the sheep—for lo, it was inhabited by Aevenah.
Thus a seed of doubt was sewn in their minds; but they that day simply bid the sheep farewell and went to another water sources.
Yet the next day, they again passed the Pond, and there was the sheep again, inviting them to drink. This time Sceorn and Eesorn did ask the sheep for its name, and it replied, “I am Aevenaiah;” and thus Aevenah gave himself a name and made himself out to be equal to Aia.
Then, hearing of the sheep’s authority in his name, and seeing the strange, clouded quality of the water, unlike any other they had beheld, the First Humans and the Firstborn went forward, and they drank of the water and bathed in it, all of them but for Nhardah.
At that same time, Nhardah was still in the mountains, and he came upon the Lake of Living Water. Even as his family partook of the Pond of Separation, Nhardah brought to his lips the Water of Life, and of it he drank.
So all the First Humans and Firstborn drank in unison, and Orrock and ierah were shaken by a great tremor, and a terrible cry of agony arose from all created things.
The Thaliel kept vigil ever over the humans, being enamored of them, eager to observe the beings created in Aia’s own image. They witnessed them drink of the Pond, and then they wept, and their tears were like a terrible storm upon Orrock. And Níaille and Ilaiadt, the chiefs of the Thaliel, gathered them together and knew someone must bring the news to Antrabilgathaluman. Níaille was chosen, and they sent him with a message which they hoped would alleviate the One’s sorrow.
Níalle sped reluctantly to the presence of the One, where he found Him silent and still. And Níaille was terrified at what would happen next; yet Aia allowed him to speak, and he did.
“Oh Antrabilgathaluman, O One Who is Always, I break at what I must say. Your Thaliel delight to watch the humans You made, and we watch them endlessly when we are not before You. And it has come to happen, as Your servants watched, that what we feared most has come to pass, though we did not foresee it. O Maker, Your humans have partook of the Pond of Separation!”
Here Níaille was overcome and could not speak, and the pain and grief of the One was like death. But the One knew he had more to say, and gently asked him to continue.
“O my Master, we mourn for what has happened, as perfection is once more torn. Yet we gathered together and discussed this, and realized the dreadful state of the humans. They rebelled against You as did our brother Aevehan, and now they must be separated from You. Yet they are weak of body, and we fear our evil kinsmen will soon destroy them in retaliation. So we came up with a plan to propose to You:
“Some of us, of whom Ilaiadt is the leader, wish to remain in ierah and serve as guides in the sky for the humans, that they may see Your way and follow You.
“Others of us, of whom I am the leader, wish to descend to Orrock, there to protect the humans from Aevenah and his followers.”
Then Aia said, “Níaille, I am glad this day, though My heart is ripped in two; for now I know your faithfulness to Me. Your idea is good, and I Myself placed it in you. Gather your brothers and sisters, for I have much to say to you. But now I must go deal with My humans, who have rebelled against Me.”
Then Aia went to Orrock, to the Pond of Separation, where were all the humans except for Nhardah. No longer were they in the water. They hid in the bushes, for each was now ashamed of his or her vulnerability and afraid to be open with Aia or each other, and the storm of the Thaliels’ tears terrified them.
“My children, what have you done?” Aia asked them.
Sceorn spoke for them, but did not call Him “Bîrœ,” “Daddy,” as they used to. “O Maker,” Sceorn said, “the sheep lied to us, so we drank of and bathed in the Pond of Separation, and now we are ashamed and afraid.”
The sheep, still inhabited by Aevenah, still stood there, unable to move before Aia. He spoke then to the sheep, saying, “You, sheep, were the wisest of animals and gifted in diction by Me. Yet despite this you opened yourself to Aevenah and led My people astray. Therefore,
Cursed are you to dumbness,
And destined now for foolishness.
You led My people to die:
Now in their place you will die
Until the time I crush you
At the end.”
For that reason, sheep are offered as sacrifices for transgression, since they are cursed to take the place of humans because of their deceit.
When He finished, He turned to the humans. “We were together as one, and we walked in communion always. Yet you chose separation from Me. Therefore,
Where once you had ease,
Now labor and weep.
The ground that was once your dance floor
Will now produce thorns and weeds.
You, O men, will toil,
And your heart will be for your work.
You, O women, will have pain,
and you will forever seek man’s favor.
Through you all creation is cursed
Until I restore perfection.”
Then He took pity on them, seeing their shame, and made them garments of fur before He departed from them.
Aia then met Nhardah by the Lake of Living Water. And Nhardah said to Him, “Behold, Aia, something terrible has happened. I found this Lake and drank of it, and now lo, I am ashamed and afraid.”
“Peace to you, My son,” said Aia. “What you feel is not caused by your actions, but rather by those of your family, who have entered the Pond of Separation. Because of them, all creation is under death and a curse and you are part of creation. But you did not initiate the curse, and you drank of the Living Water. Therefore,
Though all now die,
Yet you will live,
And through your descendants
Will come My promised redemption
Of all creation.
“Now, make haste to rejoin your family, for I am about to do a great deed.”
So Nhardah bowed to the ground and departed from the presence of Aia, and he hastened to find the other humans.
 “Aevenah” means simply “Wicked One,” whereas “Aevenaiah” means “Great One of Wickedness” and, in a sense, means “Wicked Aia.” Aevenah sets himself up as an equal to Aia, and as His adversary.
Please give me your feedback on the story so far!!! What do you think? What do you like (if anything)? What needs to be fixed or improved?